Beautifully Broken

This is Day 11 of my Write 31 Days series for 2017: 31 Days of Kintsugi.
For an index of all the posts in the series, please click here.

On Wednesdays during this series I am featuring guest posts by some of my blogging friends, who are going to share their real-life stories of Kintsugi in action.  Today I’m pleased to welcome Michelle Viscuse.

I sat on the couch with my head down, numb with tears rolling down my cheeks.  She patiently sat with her notebook and pen, waiting for me to speak.  Her eyes were gentle and kind, and I wanted to trust her. But first, I needed her to understand that what I was going to share with her was just between us.  I needed help, but I had no intentions of ever telling anyone else my story of childhood sexual abuse.

Truth is, I’d hidden my brokenness for so long, I certainly didn’t see any reason to ever share it outside of those four walls.  It was too risky and much safer to just stay quiet and keep the secrets.

Besides, who wants to hear about abuse?

Who wants to hear about a darkness that is so dark it is blinding?

Who wants to talk about fear, blame, panic, guilt and shame?

I figured I would just go in on Thursdays at 10am, cry my eyeballs out for an hour and then spend the rest of my week smiling and hiding the pain.

But God.

His light was shining in that room as I laid bare my shame.

He tenderly mended my brokenness, piece by piece.  I yearned for His healing touch so much that many times I’d pray to go deeper. I wanted Him to meet the next layer in need of repair.  He carefully smoothed out my rough edges and He replaced all of the lies with Truth.

He lifted my chin and called me daughter as He gazed at the work of His hands.  

He did a miraculous work in my life during those three plus years in counseling.

He is not finished. I am still a work in progress.

And although I do not bear the visible scars for all to see, I am no longer afraid to display my beautifully broken self for others to see because He has given me hope.

His hope has set me free.

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood.

It wreaked havoc on my mind and filled me with fears, panic, anxiety, depression and loads of shame.

It made my body my worst enemy and I hated all of the ways it betrayed me as my reflection became a distorted piece of dirty meat used for destruction.

It shattered my heart into a million pieces and etched in words like unworthy, unprotected, unloved, burden, tolerated, hopeless…

My soul was left bare and hollow, unable to feel or move because in numbing the pain, I numbed the joy too.  I dissociated and checked out in the madness, and sometimes I left for no reason at all.

And then there was light. 

His Light.

He took each part, every layer, and each piece in His hands and gave me healing and hope.

His mending fashioned my brokenness into beauty…. beauty on full display.  

I thought I would walk out of the last counseling session with all my secrets safely tucked away.

Instead, I longed to show the places He made well so that others could see His healing, His hope and His love.

It is not easy to talk about Childhood Sexual Abuse, but it is nearly impossible to not talk about miracles.

I am a beautifully broken miracle and I owe it all to Jesus. 

 

Michelle Viscuse is passionate about inspiring women who have been sexually abused or violated to have courage, hope and freedom in Jesus Christ. She loves leading Bibles Studies and serving in women’s ministry.  She lives in NC with her husband and three children, and they enjoy taking weekend adventures together! You can follow her website at http://www.journeypink.com and connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest at @michelleviscuse.

 

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